Nothing's gonna change...

Today, as the hours go by, with nothing to do, it was my first time in a long while listening to a particualr song...I use to use it as my alarm song and I would just lay there and listen...Tears would always fall because it was the sweetest song I've ever heard...It was sung to me by the person I treasure so deep, to ask me to be his girlfriend. It's something I'll never forget. I've always wondered why God gave him the plan to sing to me...to convince me to be with him. Why couldn't he just ask me out like normal...?
27th of September was the first time I've ever heard this song.

If I had to live my life without you near me
The days would all be empty
The nights would seem so long
With you I see forever all so clearly
I might have been in love before
But it never felt this strong
Our dreams are young and we both know
They'll take us where we want to go
Hold me now
Touch me now
I don't want to live without you
Nothing's gonna change my love for you
you outta know by now how much I love you
One thing you can be sure of
I'll never ask for more than your love
Nothing's gonna change my love for you
You outta know by know how much I love you
The world may change my whole life through
But nothing's gonna change my love for you
If the road ahead is not so easy
Our love will lead the way for us
Just like a guiding star
I'll be there for you if you should need me
You don't have to change a thing
I love you just the way you are
So come with me and share the view
I'll help you see forever too...

I know he meant every word of the lyrics at the time...I wish I could sing it to him one day and find him like how he found me...I clearly still love him but I can't do much at the moment... I still feel as though we were meant to be...but maybe not at this very moment...
This point in my life is so heart wrenching...It is twisted all the time, I would feel happy, then I would be sad, I would miss him, and love him...I don't know how long this is going to last for...
After a week has passed I truely have been happy, never thinking too much of him and enjoying life. But as that time passed, I finally realised that I haven't loved him right and lost the true meaning. Near the end of our relationship I became selfish and hasty and all I wanted to do was to see him. I realised that loving someone is not always just spending time with them and going out, but to take care of them and to sacrifice your needs, also to understand them. I guess I'm not ready, I can't take care of someone but after next year, I would be able to take care of the person I love. I would be free enough to be with them when they're not well, share warmth and to prepare nice meals for them to help them get better. I would've done those things for him if only I could. I would pop by his place before he returns from school or work so I could greet him home and let him rest in my arms. I want to make him laugh and smile when he's down...I would be able to see him whenever he wanted to see me...I really would do my absolute best...

WELL now is not the time to be thinking of these things, better study study study!!EXAMS coming up...
lolzz...smiles!

Miracles unspoken

I'M BACK!!
Yesterday hasn't touched my lappy the whole day. I wanted to spend some time doing other things than staring at a screen all day. It was my brother's birthday yesterday and we went all the way to Subiaco to eat Jap food. HEHE then we walked around to the nearby stores and I saw all these clothes that were to die for. I saw this oversized singlet/ dress and it was like $69...T.T Anyway it wasn't my birthday so we continued walking. After that we went down to the city to go to "Freaks and Geeks" to look for my brother's gundam toys. I had fun looking at all the cute soft toys.XD In the end he didn't want to get anything...
When we got home I decided to go play XBOX with my brother. LOL I just went to play guitar hero. After playing I got abit tired so I went to get a nap. Before I did though my brother asked me if I could go jogging with him and since it was his birthday I said yes. I didn't know that I had to go jogging straight after I woke up!!!!!!!! The moment I woke up, he was like, "COme on let's go!!!" I was still half asleep while I was jogging. He's so unfit. He walked most of the time...
I've been having fun starting the car for mum recently. I want to drive, so bad...:( I wish that special someone would still want to teach me how to drive. Would be funny...I'll probably give him heartattacks.XD
Hmm today...I had a sermon about miracles and how to prepare for them. I need to ask God things but would he give them to me? What if it wasn't in his plan? GUH...I wish I knew...Even if I don't look for him, I always somehow see him...I still miss his cuteness...OH WELLZ...I'm praying for a miracle, that I could get a second chance...Yeh he hasn't exactly been treating me well but I still like him for who he is...PSH ANYWAY HAHA
Been having fun discussing about Mother's Day video, so many funny ideas. HAHA I can't wait. Life has been full of fun ever since God has taken over my life.
Hehe...k byies for now.
SMILES!!

The End

Today today...hmm it was a great start to the day with a beautiful blue sky. It ended well too.
I got to go home earlier today due to the stupid seminar thingy. I got the chance to see hanana with her "doo joon" chatting away having fun. hehe She is the cutest thing! I hope they'll be together one day. They would be the cutest thing. As I was walking past them to cross the oval with angela, we both were so tempted to turn and look at the two. We kept on cracking up and then when we thought we were out of "doo joon's" sight, we turned to say bye to hanana. Unfortunately we weren't far enough. So we couldn't stop laughing as we crossed the oval.
Angela was then nice enough to take her boyfriend(me) home and treat him to a nice pie. It was so so good!!!
Today has been a good day.
Later I'lll go to youth. I don't know if I'm meant to bring the movie though. Am I? oh wellz. I'll just ask later.
Hmm hope he's having a good day. I'm sure he is...hmm LOL yesh I still have feelings for him. Can't go away that fast ok?!! I love people dearly. HAHA!
Anyway got to go.
SMILES!!

Bleeding love...

Guh today had the maths period zero. Was late and unprepped...guess I failed another...but then again it's not really my fault. My teacher sucks!!!! Seriously only a smart arse can be in her class. I'm too dumb to be there. Why can't I have been in another class?
Anyway besides that lifes pretty good. Today random songs kept popping up in my head like crazy. Many laughters many smiles.
Though all the smiles and laughter, deep down, when I don't try to hide it, my feelings for him re-appear. I don't know, I still care about how he is and what he's up to. Thinking of seeing him or knowing he's with someone else crushes me. My heart would just fall to the floor. I guess I'm not quite over him yet.
Last night I had so many thoughts, so many things I wished could happen. As I was having my quiet time I asked God to show me the page of the bible that would tell me what he wants me to hear. I landed on a page that said if you believed, what your heart desires would happen. Hmm I wonder what that meant...
I really want to believe that him and I are meant to be. Thinking back, I always thought that there must've been a reason why he proposed specially for me so that I could accept. I truly thought I had signs telling me it was right. Well, I'm trying to not think about all this.
I'm too young to be thinking of this, so much ahead in life. My life is getting so much better. Can't wait for ice skating, mother's day and so much more.
LOL I got called an essay guru today. WAT THE?! I only made up crap about a magazine and fancied it up with bigger words.LOL! Well that comment brought a smile...
Hanana and "doo joon"(don't know how to spell his name)...hmm...she hasn't got the chance to see him much often nowadays. Poor hanana...hehe she's so adorable!!
Alice in wonderland Party is coming up. I wonder who I should be. I have no idea at all...SIGH...
Uh~! SO MANY THINGS HAPPENING!! Really happy. God always answers my prayers. Love him most, above all.
Anyway life's too short to be blogging.
SMILES!!

At this point in time...

It's a wednesday night, night before the dreaded maths period zero...yet I'm not stressing, don't know why...:S That's why I'm here bloggingXD Anyway, tried starting physics homework, done a few questions but I guess it's time to chill. LOL hmm...I still miss him, but I guess it's just a little. Yesterday I was talking to a friend. I told him how I moved on and the first thing he puts is a worried face. I asked why he put that but he couldn't be bothered telling. OH WELLZ the right one is out there somewhere. If onmly I could meet him sooner.
AT THE MOMENT, I'm totally in love with this song called STILL by A.N.JELL, it's catchy and it really lightens things up. So here I am, the happiest person alive, not worrying about a test.
I'm also so so so happy because I've finally got my sweetheart oxford heels, adore them much, thanks willow tree!
So life is on to recovery but I know when the day of him being with someone else comes, my heart would still drop. I think because of him, I'm having a personality disorder. Sometimes I want to be cute, then sometimes I want to be out there and party. LOL want to learn the electric guitar at the moment.
There's so many goals I want to achieve. Haiz...
Anyway better stop blogging. AWESOMENESS
SMILES!

Victory over the battlefield

Today I really feel like I'm back to the happy me that I've been long ago. I decided to let everything go. My friend also pointed out that the person I love is the person that he was, the one that looked after me everyday, not the person he is today. I decided to explain all my decisions for the past month or so, how I was really confusing. I then told him I wanted a new start as a friend and not mess up his life. Yes I wanted to fight for him but at the moment I'm still waiting for God to tell me what to do. I don't want to do things that I'll regret. I really hope we can go back to that fun time that we had before we were together, where we can just joke around and have tonnes of fun. Yeh sure I'll still miss him but I'm aiming for that friendship we had before. It's going to be a struggle but worth a shot.
God is always in control so no matter what I decide, it won't always be that way. So here I am with a smiley face.
Today was a great day. I had a day filled with school that gave me the break from over thinking. I'm glad that I haven't lost my closest friends.
So everything's awesomeness,LOL ESPECIALLY biffles who helped me all this time,like my comforterXD and willow tree, and Hanana, Jen, Melz, etc,thx MUCHIE
My happy story begins here~
*smiles*

*+.moments dans le temps...+*

A year had only just begun and so many things have happened. Outings with friends, parties, drinks, jelly shots, youth, school, new friends and new responsibilities with opportunities. Yeh it's been fun and eventful but that's just one side of life.

First let me tell you a story.
It was the beginning of a year and there's a girl who serves in a dance ministry of church. At that time she was going out with someone. Her life was bright and every thing was such awesome. One day at the first dance practice of the year, a few new members had joined. She saw one of them and thought he was really cute. She quickly snapped out of it and started feeling guilty and felt as though she was cheating on her boyfriend. Such an idiot. She didn't realise that a few months from then, everything would change.
As months went by, and dance practices went by, she never really realised the existence of that guy she saw earlier in the year. All she knew that he was a friend's younger brother and she only knew his name.
Everything took a sudden turn in that awesome life she had. The person she was going out with for 8 months left and fell for another. She still liked him after the break up and it was such a pain in the arse to see them together at school.
A few months after break up, a big event was occurring and it was the biggest thing that all the dancers have been looking forward to, that meant including her. At that point in time she was good friends with the person she still had some feelings for and was enjoying her youth to the fullest. She practised hard and got closer to many other dancers.
One day at one of the practices, she suddenly realised the existence that person that she thought was cute so much earlier in the year. She only realised because he came rushing in looking all flushed. She couldn't help but laugh. It was then that their relationship was established. She made such a bad impression by yelling at him for being so gentle, like jelly, compared to her other dance partner. After that they didn't spend so much time together since they had different friends but then coincidentally, he got assigned to pick her up and send her to and from dance practices. This provided the both with each others numbers. At that point in time she already wanted to be his bestie. She saw him sometimes during dance practices and would always end up laughing or smiling. So she would always ask when practice was, even though she knew very clearly, just to start talking to him. They became closer...then one of her friends asked what she thought of the that guy and told her that she suits him and seems cute together. She always denied and just wanted to be friends. She was very careful in being in another relationship. That guy really was what the girl likes though. He was funny yet was a gentlemen, never too rude and he was the age that she prefers. He did seem perfect but she knew he wouldn't like her. She was so much younger and he would most likely treat her like a younger sister. That wasn't what happened though...
They became really good friends and spent nearly everyday talking to each other, texting during classes, after school, late at night. As it got closer to the big event for the dancers, she dreaded the day when the event would end. It meant that there would be no more practices and she wouldn't be able to spend time with her new best friend. From there feelings developed...She didn't realise his feelings developed too.
As time went by she no longer liked the person she liked before and the new best friend brought her the happiness that had once disappeared.They fell in love and had a funny way of telling each other how they felt. They both used their personal messages on msn to give hints. After they both found out how each other felt, the guy called straight after, even though they were in a middle of a conversation on msn. The girl finds it so cute and funny. She still does now.
They weren't able to spend time together as often anymore. They could only chat together on msn or by text. So, they used any opportunity they got to spend time together. A week after the big event has ended, a party came up and they were both invited. So they used that to spend time together. The girl had a surprise though. The guy planned something before they both went to the party. He wanted to ask her out officially and didn't let the one on msn count. So he did the sweetest thing that the girl had never dreamt of. She couldn't help the tears that fell down her face. She was filled with joy and said yes when he asked her to be his girlfriend. There was nothing that compared to what happened that night.
So after that they continued to find time to spend together. She was still young so it was hard to tell her mother how she felt about this person but in the end she did. Her mother accepted it but there were conditions. Those conditions were acceptable and she was happy. He really was the most perfect person she could be with. She could tell he loved her the same. It made her so happy when the guy decided to walk her home after school everyday and tried his best to spend as much time as he could with her. He picked her up from school and talked to her every night. There was never a day where he had hurt her...They went to dance workshops together and went to dinners to celebrate the great performance at the big event. He was the sweetest and the girl did her best to make him happy...They wanted to try spend the rest of their lives together. Compared to what both of them had experienced before, being together was so different. The girl believed that he was the one.
As months went by, the guy had to go on holiday...from then on nothing was the same. The girl did feel uneasy but prayed and believed everything would be okay. They started talking to each other less...The girl was okay since she understood that the guy was on holiday but it was the same when the guy came back from holiday...He never looked for her...Hardly talked to her...obviously she would feel confused and insecure...she tried talking to him yet wanted to give him space which she thought he needed. She still believed everything would be okay...She trusted him and everything he said before...
Things stayed the same and the girl thought she'll change things by planning something special for him on Valentines. She gave him a surprise gift...and she waited for his response the whole day...Due to the situation she really thought he wasn't going to do anything...she continued to wait...later at night he decided to say thank you and how it was sweet. He then went offline. She didn't see the text he sent her so she thought that was all she got. She wasn't sad by it. She was happy since he at least said thank you. Later when her friend called and hung up she saw the message which was sent hours ago by him. He had a present for her and asked when he could pass it to her. She was so so so happy. She quickly replied saying sorry and said he could pass it to her any day. So that night he went over to her place. It was the first time in a long while where they cuddled and could spend time together. She was really happy. That night she truly felt that he still loved her...
After that she didn't understand why he never contacted her before though...Things went back to how he hardly contacted her. She was so confused and it was nearly their half year anniversary. She had this big plan for that day and she was waiting to see if he had any plans. She asked and he never replied. She slowly got tired of being treated like the way she did...Though she loved him, she knew that things weren't meant to be the way they were. So after not talking for long while she decides to ask him one question, she asked, "do you still love me?" The answer to that question was all she wanted and she would be happy and stop bothering him. In the end she ended up heartbroken. He said yes he does but he thought it would be better to end the relationship...
This is where the story concludes.
This story is nowhere near the true story. There were alot more joy, love and in the end pain.
So many things hinder me...yes my close friends have been there to support me but questions still remain unanswered...A new beginning had only just happened and I was looking forward to a new year spent and devoted to the one. It started off like a fairytale, but ended like a tragic love story.It wasn't long till it faded yet I could not understand why...I'm a believer of faith and prayed many days and nights since the very beginning till the very end, actually, even till this day.
God told me it was right, from the beginning and I somehow felt it wasn't another relationship that would be another learning block. Due to this faith I saw signs along the way. Yeh others might say there's no such thing but that's their opinion. The one that I've been talking about all this time haven't heard of these signs, reason being, I'm starting to think they're not either.
Due to the lost of my new found love, I started straying away from friends and now hardly relating to them. I despise the fact that this is happening yet I am still lost and confuse, not knowing where to go...I still have a long future ahead but I can't help being burdened by this. It's true to say it's over and I should move on but nothing really happened to end it. Let me just say that it was the most beautiful thing in my life, it was upmost perfection...Friends have heard the beautiful story and they would all say he was perfect.
This makes me believe that I was the one who was imperfect and I guess I have felt the cliche scenario of saying he deserves better and is meant for some one else. Every one knows that even if you felt the cliche scenario, it is still hard to let go.
So there's a billion questions that continues to float around in my head every single day. I've asked once why it really ended but I wasn't able to get any answers. I was hoping the answer would tell me where to go...So I'm stuck with questions like am I meant to let go, or is this time to fight back and hang on, are we really meant to be, am i meant to have a second chance, were the signs really signs, were we always meant to end, if i don't try to have a second chance would I lose the chance of being with him again, if i wait for years to past would we be able to come together again, and the list goes on. Questions like these are truly pathetic and it would be easier to stop thinking and just get over it, but I've tried but ended up fearing losing him.
Friendship afterwards was blurred. Things weren't clear...resulting in me being more confused.
I still love him no matter how much he confuses me and concluded things without much discussion. He's still that silly,sweet,random,stubborn,blur clown I know.

So this is the complicated side of life.
It's funny how you lived without someone before and once you met them you can't live without them.
Besides all this, my life is blessed and I'm glad for each and everyday. I'm planning to enjoy the rest of my high school life and not let this drag me down. Yes I wish I knew how to make things uncomplicated but it's not in my hands. Hope time changes things like how it always does. Life is a roller coaster but guess what we only ever have one.
SMILES!